Recently, Amanda has tried to convince me to purchase a fanny pack on her behalf.  This has traumatized me deeply. Now, I am a fan of American Apparel, but some how something about a pleathery shapeless sac sitting on a hip just does not agree with my system. Let’s not even consider the large plastic clip.

Nonetheless, I attempted to comprehend my friend.

Amanda quoted two key scenarios where one might want to hang a hideous plastic bag (see illustration, right) around one’s waist:

1. Clubbing

2. Gaffering

While I must agree that it would be handy to free one’s hands of credit cards, keys, phones, gaffer tape, pegs, sharpies and such when on a film set or when getting wasted, I cannot agree that it should come at an expense such as this.

I continued to mull over this for a couple of days. Perhaps it was the stress of work and the effects of chronic alcoholism that was getting to her? Was an intervention necessary? Should I consider that this is after all, the festive season, and just acquire the offending fannypack for her? Should the intervention then be staged in January instead?

What if I should run into her one evening at Butter, with that unfortunate flap of fabric around her fanny? What outfit will her unsound mind decide to pair it with?

Ethical dilemma ensued.

Then I changed my approach. Perhaps, I thought as I stared helplessly at the American Apparel site, perhaps she meant a different color? I clicked “Storm Purple” and “Medium Evergreen”. No. By then, TrashBlack looked acceptable.

The page suggested I see the “Shiny Version“, and I was open to any other alternative.

I was greeted by an image of a classically American Apparel model (chic female of the imperfectly perfect, taut variety) in a typically American Apparel frock (skin-tight, barely viable). The shiny bag suddenly seemed logical.

How else does one expect to carry one’s miscellaneous shitbits whilst one gallivants around town? It was so obvious, it seemed offensive to question it. Did one expect that dress to come with pockets? Tsk! Surely not.

Perhaps, considering my track record of 3-cellphones-lost per-annum, I could use one… no, I ought to! Wait! I am in filmmaking too! Think of all the gaffer tape this shiny baby can handle!

The hands-free practicality is outstanding! American Apparel does it yet again! Everyone’s getting fannypacks from me this Christmas.