I warned them that they were gonna get breathed on by pasty white dudes holding crossaints.

How glad am I to be home. This blog serves as an answer to spg blogs, you know which I am talking about. Let’s keep Pat out of this equation, her white boy can fry dumplings and is chinese at heart, despite being well… jewish. Moving along. What is it about being in an asian country that makes white guys think they’re the shit? And how do we fend them off if we just happen to feel like dropping by Attica for a bottle of free champagne!

There are many reasons they think they own your panties… and those reasons are dull (eg. better pizza, stronger currencies, absurd tailgate machinery). More interesting is how one can baygon the next white kid who tries to pick you up in fluent Ebonics.

How to Baygon pesky Ang Mohs (with effectiveness rating):

1. Offer them your misc-man-bits. — effectiveness level:
   But some Ang Mohs pay good money for chick with dicks.
2. Ask them if they want to know Allah better. — effectiveness level:
   Terrorism is not Allah. But some Ang Mohs don’t know any better.
3. Tell them you have Mono. – effectiveness level:
   If you live in Singapore, chances are, you’ve never heard of Mono (Mononucleosis). Actually, it’s not fun. Just be glad this common college virus it’s not too common on our island, because we have universities instead.
4. Tell them you’re a transgender muslim with mono. — effectiveness level: 
   Combined effectiveness = 2.5+5+4, however -10 considering they might not believe this.
5. Bring actual baygon. — not going to rate this because you might get arrested.

How not to Baygon pesky Ang Mohs:

1. Tell them to leave you alone. (They won’t.)
2. Move to another part of the dance floor. (They’ll trail.)
3. Ignore them. (They never get tired of their own voice, really.)
4. Be sarcastic. (Sarcasm is how insecure white people flirt.)
5. Tell them you want a giant steak dinner. (See no. 4:- I did this once and it ended in much regret.)

Honestly, it was awfully difficult to think of ways to baygon ang mohs. The effectiveness level on all the above is quite questionable. But if you wanna baygon off local men, just don’t have long straight black hair, and you’re set. I guess the one thing you can appreciate about a Singaporean man is that one rejection is enough for them to run away like a fly on fire. Thanks for that guys.

Disclaimer: This is a joke.